Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Thoughts on motherhood...

Yesterday after dropping Dylan at his first school orientation day, I took Ethan and Jayden to the playground in Mansfield.  After an hour or so I started to get my tell tale sign of a migraine.  Flashing lights started jumping around everywhere in my right eye, yet there was no pain yet.  I quickly gathered the boys together and headed to the chemist to get some painkillers.  I was almost due to pick Dylan up and by the time I made it to school the pain was intensifying. 

I made it home driving very carefully and jumped straight into bed.  Luckily Michael was only working about 10 minutes away and he was able to come home and make the boys lunch.  I dozed on and off for the afternoon while Dylan, Ethan and Jayden played so well.  The only mischief Jayden got into was some biscuit crushing and some permanent marker on my desk (he was just colouring on paper but he went over the edges)...

I am so grateful for my amazing boys (husband included)!  I got up a little later and put on frozen chips and dim sims for dinner.  No  mother of the year award hear I'm afraid!  Michael got home from work and ate with the boys and got them to bed so I could rest. 

I woke up with the migraine still lingering this morning but managed to get on with my day without too much hassle. 

I find often when I have some quiet time to ponder that I have all sorts of weird and wonderful realisations. 

I really used to struggle with all that was on my plate.  I felt overwhelmed a lot of the time.  I loved being a mother however I often joked that I wanted to be home with my kids, not have to be a cleaner.  That was part of the excuse of my messy home and constant disorganised state. 

What I've come to realise is that it really is all part and parcel of it.  When I spend time cleaning our home it is for my families comfort.  When I prepare meals I am nourishing them.  Each action that I take is showing them that they are my priority.  There is nothing more important in my life than my family knowing that they come first.

Although I have always predominantly been a stay at home Mum, I haven't always been emotionally available or present 100% of the time.  It's taken a lot of soul searching to overcome a lot of my limitations and it's amazing how free I now feel because of it.

My husband and children are my priority.  My home is my priority.  It's not enough for me to just think that though, or even say "I love you" all day long, if my actions and words are showing otherwise. 

If I spend my time complaining about my children and the mess that they make, having to cook dinner when I can't be bothered, nagging at my husband to do things that he hasn't done what are they taking from that?  What would they be feeling when I speak like that?  If that isn't clear, think back to when you were a child and you may have felt something that your parents may not have intentionally wanted you to feel, or your siblings. 

I certainly know that as a child, when my Mum was so overwhelmed with all of her work and emotions, I wasn't sitting there with any ounce of understanding about that.  I was thinking about why my Mum didn't care about our family anymore and why none of us were worth enough for her to bother.  It's not that her feelings weren't important, it's that as a child we can't be expected to understand them. 

When we can't clear our own issues, it will burden our children.  They will take it personally and it will hurt them.  They will wonder why they are not enough for their Mum.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time...however we must not use that as an excuse.  In this day and age there are countless resources around from counsellors, holistic therapists, life coaches, NLP, psychologists etc.  We can choose to step out of our comfort zones and better ourselves for our children. 

They are worth it and they deserve it.

No comments:

Post a Comment